


I Believe In The Things That I Am Afraid To Say

by love_u_always_mom



Series: Musical Supernatural [5]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, Dean Winchester Being an Idiot, Ficlet, Fix-It, Homophobic Language, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M, Only Briefly - Freeform, Only rated mature to cover my ass
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-23
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-15 00:09:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28929318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/love_u_always_mom/pseuds/love_u_always_mom
Summary: My version of a fix it for 15x18. Hopefully I'll add more later, but I can't make any guarantees.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Musical Supernatural [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2121702
Kudos: 31





	I Believe In The Things That I Am Afraid To Say

**Author's Note:**

> I've been wanting to write a fix it for That Scene since it aired but I haven't been able to come up with anything until now. Earlier today I found a song I haven't heard in a long time, and a few of the lyrics made me think of these two idiots and then this happened. I'm really, really hoping that I can come up with more to add to it later to make it a bit longer, but right now this is all I've got so here it is. 
> 
> Inspired by Christina Perri's song I believe, specifically these lines:
> 
> I believe that you fell so you would land next to me  
> 'Cause I have been where you are before  
> And I have felt the pain of losing who you are  
> And I have died so many times, but I am still alive

Dean Winchester had learned a lot of hard lessons in his life, most of them too late. One he had occasion to learn over and over again had been to not ignore his feelings, not express his emotions to those closest to him. Had he gotten better at it? Sure, to a point. But right now, it felt like his heart was being torn out of his chest because he hadn’t said what he should have before it was too late.

_ Too late. _

_ Too late.  _

_ Too late. _

He sunk down to the floor, head in his hands and hair wrenched between his fingers, and cried. He wasn’t the type to break down and sob on the floor like a girl.

_ Act like a man, Dean! _

But here he was. Because Cas had looked at him and said the words he had wanted to hear for years, and then was gone before Dean could open his mouth and say all the things he had been holding back, because he was a fucking fool. 

Cas had loved him.

Castiel had been  _ in love  _ with him. 

All the things they could have had, all the years they could have spent, slipped between their fingers like water. For no other reason than Dean couldn’t swallow his pride and kiss another man.

_ I’m not raising any fairies, I am raising MEN! _

“Fuck you, dad,” he choked out. “Fuck you for fucking me up like this. You know what? I don’t give a god damn if I’m a fucking fairy anymore. The best thing you ever did for me was to go to Hell. I swear to god, you old bastard, if I ever get him back I’m gonna ride his cock right on top of your fucking grave.”

A quiet, gruff voice sounded in front of him and Dean’s head shot up.

“While I’m not opposed to that, I think there are a few things we should take care of first.”

“How the  _ hell _ ?” Dean exclaimed, scrambling to his feet in shock. He almost tried to swipe at his face, hide the evidence of his tears, but he wasn’t making the same mistake again. It was too late anyway, he knew, Castiel’s eyes were too sharp.

“It had finally gotten everyone back to sleep. I told it that if it tried to keep me I would wake them all back up again.” Cas gave him a mischievous grin.

“Jesus, Cas, I…” At a loss for words, Dean surged forward and enveloped Castiel in his arms. There was a soft grunt as his arms folded closed, and he dropped his head to the angel’s shoulder, clinging to the trenchcoat. He felt Cas’s fingers sliding through his hair, holding him tightly. It was harder than he could have imagined, letting go, releasing everything with his head on Cas’s shoulder. But the evidence had already been all over his face, so there really wasn’t any use in trying to hide it now. 

_ Be a man. _

“Fuck you, John Winchester,” he mumbled into Castiel’s shoulder, “I am a man, no matter who I fall for.”

When he lifted his head to look at Cas, his head was tilted to the side, like he always did when he was confused. For the first time, he let his thoughts come out of his mouth.

“You are so goddamn cute when you do that,” Dean told him, and  _ oh,  _ how amazing it felt to say those words aloud, to watch Cas’s slight frown quirk up into a silly grin. 

Maybe it was because he knew Dean so well, maybe it was because he could tell how uncertain Dean felt, or maybe he simply couldn’t help himself, but all at once Cas had his arms wound around Dean’s neck, bringing him down for a slow, soft kiss. It was clumsy and uncoordinated, but Dean cupped his jaw and guided Cas’s lips with his own, letting his other hand wander down to find the natural curve of his angel’s waist. 

The hint of stubble brushing his own was a completely new sensation, but it reminded Dean of who he had in his arms, making it even better. 

They slowed and stopped naturally, quietly, without either consciously deciding to, and stood chest to chest with their foreheads pressed together. 

“Cas, I…”

“I know, Dean,” Castiel whispered, “I know. You don’t have to say it.”

“Yes I do,” Dean responded, voice firmer than he wanted it to be. “Yes,” he whispered, “I  _ do _ have to say it. You deserve it.”

He leaned back so that he could look Cas in the eyes. “Cas…” He took a deep breath and swallowed hard. He had to do this, he  _ had _ to. In the back of his mind, he remembered Eileen and Sam, and he smiled to himself.

Removing one hand from Cas’s waist, he went through the letters in his mind, then held up one hand and let his hand form them one at a time. 

“Castiel,” he paused, watching Cas’s eyes fixed to Dean’s right hand, “I love you.”

Cas grinned and laughed in delight, with a hint of tears floating in the corner of his eyes. “I love you too, Dean,” he returned aloud. “Thank you.”

With that off his chest, Dean rested his hands on Cas’s waist and leaned down to kiss him again, feeling lighter than he had in years.

**Author's Note:**

> Song in question is [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UA91D7po6Bs).
> 
> My tumblr is [here](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/love-u-always-mom).
> 
> Pretty please leave me a few words! I always get super excited and check them immediately.


End file.
